Failures of Narrative

Che woke up, stretched his arms, turned and fell out of bed. A cursory glance from floor level revealed the curled form of Kunai sleeping on his toes as usual. Never mind that Che had gotten him his own cot. Never mind that Kunai couldn't stand him while he was awake. Nor that he protested being referred to as a cat.

"I'll steal you a heating pad," he told the lump.

Bear didn't seem to be around the bridge, so Che surreptitiously searched the multinet for information on the current world. Then, boring of that, he played solitaire. You could play quite a few games in the time it took to eat breakfast, especially if you were borrosan. Che amused himself by finding the maximum speed he could play at without his winnings being reduced to chance. But you can only lose so many times before you feel the need to make an effort.

"There's a six there. Can't believe I missed that." He stopped, some unknown sense causing him to look over his shoulder. "You knew that was there, didn't you?"

Bear said, "Most people don't like their games interfered with."

"It's never stopped you before." Che grinned. "Besides, it's more annoying knowing you saw it and didn't say anything."

"You want me sitting on your shoulder your whole life?"

"You don't weigh that much."

Gulping down the last of his soda, Che left the ship to return to his favorite game. He explored the city tacitly, trying not to stick out. If he did, it was perhaps more due to his clothing than the slight matter of being the wrong species. He was just another vaguely fuzzy brownish humanoid. The safety restrictions on the multiverse hopper made sure he landed on planets where he could survive. Planets which then turned out to be populated by vaguely fuzzy brownish humanoids.

Kunai and Bear were following him, of course, although Kunai was paying him little attention. They continued on through the dirt streets and dirt houses, asking directions until they stumbled across the dragon's hoard. Most palaces penetrated the sky, towering over lesser lands and lives. This one sunk in the earth, a great moat surrounding it, the walls of ordinary houses above it. Cake-mould shaped, the odd design made it easier to get in than out. Che nearly frowned at the idea.

"Quite medieval," he commented instead, eying the single spanning entrance bridge. The water was a long, long way down, most likely the result of rain rather than conscious effort.

"Can you swim?" said Bear.

"I could always steal a boat."

Kunai kept his gaze fixed on the low-lying, sunken abode. "I don't like it."

"Well, keep it to yourself," said Che, walking towards the bridge, "Wouldn't want to offend the locals."

Che wondered idly whether his all-black outfit or Kunai's bright white one was more obvious. Some very stern men at the entrance seemed unlikely to allow either near.

"Hel-lo," he said, quite friendly. They were unaffected.

"No entrance." It was said in a mechanical tone.

"Fine, fine, I'll just be off, then." To them, he knew, what he did next looked like he had just walked off the bridge. It was a neat trick of speed. In fact, he walked right through the door, while the guards peered over the edge for a sign of his falling body. A few thumps behind him confirmed that Kunai had tried to follow, that the guards had tried to stop him, and that they were now taking naps.

"Kunai!" said Bear.
"Sorry, reflex," Kunai's footsteps sped up as he jogged to keep up. "They'll be okay, really."

Che said, "Ah, the word of a ninja."

Kunai bristled. "It's your fault we're here in the first place!"

Che hushed him for quiet. He was, a swoop of the palm said, on the job.

"You know," said Bear, "This seems like a perfect time to practice my scales."

The interior was bare rock illuminated with torches. All exits immediately turned so that the pathways could not be compared. Any one of the off-shooting corridors could suddenly open to reveal a treasure--or an army.

"...What?"

"Do, re, me, fa, so, la, ti, do," sang Bear.

"Wow, you have a nice singing voice," said Kunai.

Che knit his eyebrows. "Are you trying to get us caught?"

"I'm trying to force you to go home."

"Honestly..." Che continued on, ignoring Bear's deep bass baritone rebounding off the hard stone walls. After a moment, Kunai joined him, but several octaves higher. "You two are clashing."

"We could do 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight,'" said Kunai. "Do you know that one, Bear?"

Bear picked up the beat. " Wim-o-weh, o-wim-o-weh, o-wim-o-weh, o-wim-o-weh--"

"Iiiin the jungle--"

He really did have a nice voice, Che reflected, his shoulders shaking with silent laughter. Oh well. Theft was supposed to be fun, wasn't it? Granted, it usually wasn't as light-hearted as all this. He might as well pull out a soda pop, then...

"Che Miranda!"

Oh dear. The full name was never a good sign. Any part of his name was not a good sign, really.

"Yes?" A few look-rounds revealed no one. He turned on the singing duo. "Could you two take five?"

Kunai kept going for a few seconds after Bear broke off. Not that there was any point to being quiet now. Honestly. And they thought he was reckless.

"Do I have an appointment I don't know about?" said Che, continuing on, sipping his soda. Perhaps the next right turn would reveal someone--but no. Another empty hallway with a crook at the end and implacable stone walls.

"You shouldn't be surprised," said the echoes of the voice, "You're infamous. The sight of your ship sets off alarms across the multiverse, I'll bet."

Che froze. His muscles, used to constant motion, protested. His ears dropped themselves back against his skull, his eyes widened. His mouth dropped out of its perpetual smile.

"I'm famous?"

"...Bear, he's scaring me."

"You get used to it."

Che's face was aglow with a broad, maniac grin. Famous. He rubbed his hands together. Delightful.

"Soooo creepy." said Kunai.

"Oh well," Che let the moment of glee pass. "I suppose there are some drawbacks to this."

"Like you're gonna turn the corner and someone'll blow your head off?" said Kunai.

"Possibly, possibly," Che peeked around the corner without significant loss of brain matter. "But then, what shall I get you for your birthday?"

Kunai smiled at him. It was the sort of small smile where only the corners of his mouth turned up. It was almost the smile Che tended to wear. He wondered if that was on purpose.

"All right, all right, you're very dramatic," Che said, having turned a few more corners. "The flickering torches are a very nice touch. I do believe I've seen RPG dungeons quite like it. But don't you think it's time you're getting to the point?"

The voice laughed. It was a good effect, this echo. Very unsettling.

"Oh, you'll soon get ... the point..."

"Ah, we've got a punster," said Che, smiling, "Just shoot me instead, please."

"You shouldn't take that next turn," said Bear.

Che gave a questioning look, peered pass the wall for a split second and saw nothing different. "Why?"

"Drop something."

Che shrugged, chugged the soda and dropped the can on the floor just past.

Er. Except, not on the floor so much as through the floor.

"Dear me," said Che, "We've come back around to the cliff drop?"

The echoes swore, which Che took as confirmation.

"Have I mentioned how much I love you recently, Bear?"

"No," said Bear, "Because you don't."

Che laughed. "Let's go back. Feeling along the walls for hidden paths, this time."

"You first." Kunai stood aside, one hand sweeping the way like a game show host.

"In case of people trying to blow off my face?"

"Wouldn't want them to miss."

"Behave." said Bear.

Che continued on, feeling his way until his hand went through a wall. "Here we go." He stuck his face in after, leaving Kunai with a glimpse of what he'd look like, sans head.

It opened out here, reminding him less of dungeon and more of a pyramid or temple. It wasn't much of an improvement, however; he was still in a genre that involved snakes and mummies. The flickering torches made the shadows dance, inhibiting his ability to catch a sudden, deadly movement. His eyes were so busy darting back and forth, he almost forgot to test the ground before he put his weight onto it. He stepped carefully into the light and the open, almost expecting a cobblestone to move under his foot and release some ancient, deadly and strangely well-oiled trap.

"What, no ominous music?"

Glorious. Pyramids and temples held treasure. That was the whole point of the show.

So he strode forward to the alcove and its hidden and possibly unspeakable contents, counting now on his speed to save him. The nook opened away from him, and as he rounded to face it, clichés flashed through his head. Chests of gold and religious icons. Skeletons and demonic babies. The swish of arrows being launched as his attention was locked on empty space.

Kunai hung back in the hallway, watching attentively to see which grisly option it would be. Obviously, ninjas also got cable.

The final step, a turn, and Che was standing before a console with a small man behind it. He held his hands up defensively.

"Hey, I just work here," he said, voice matching the echoes before.

Che smiled warmly. "Carry on."

The room beyond this one--Che ignored the halting protests of the guard--revealed the treasure. It was stacked so high and so far it was hardly recognizable as money, but paper money it was, looking just like the images from the multinet. A brief examination revealed it was carefully organized by denomination, and a machine in a corner suggested it sat here long enough to need dusting. Che tested a few wads from different stacks just to be sure it wasn't another illusion.

"How disappointing. It's like a bank." Che tested another pile, and another, idly. The multinet had not suggested anything specific, but you'd think they'd buy a least one or two trinkets that he could steal as trophies. Taking all of this would be possible, but as pointless as Bear suggested the rest of his heists were.

"Satisfied?" said Bear.

"Not even close." Che hopped up and laid down on the money, hands pillowed behind his head and legs kicking over the edge. It was surprisingly unfulfilling. Money piled this high was just paper. After sitting there for some time, staring at the cracked ceiling, he sat up, a small wad of bills in his hand. He flipped carelessly through it. Probably more than he'd ever handled in his life.

He hopped off the high stacks and scouted out the room, tucking the bills away. The machine in the corner he found he could actually work; that, at least, was a nice change from incomprehensible otherworldly machinery. Still, it was just a high-tech ventilation system from a dirt planet. He tinkered with it for a few moments and gave up on the room and its treasure.

He had not spent any of what he stole; it all patiently awaited a decision on his part. He took minor amounts of food and drink, but really, despite being perhaps one of the richest people in the multiverse at the moment, he lived on a shoestring budget. Maybe it was time to spend a little.

Not that it looked like there was anything to buy outside besides dirt. Which lead to questions of how (or if) the economy worked. He even glanced on the thought of just handing out bills to people at random, but that was likely to get them prosecuted as thieves. Besides, money wasn't really worth anything, except by agreement. What the people needed was something besides dirt. Right?

Wondering if he had gotten his economics lessons right or whether he should have paid more attention in class, Che realized he'd been heading back for far longer than it had taken to head in.

He almost said, we're lost. He corrected himself. "Bear, where are we?"

It took Bear far longer to respond to this than was reasonable for any question. He looked back and forth at the corridor identical to all the other corridors.

"Would you believe I lost track?"

"No," said Che, "I would never believe such a stupid thing."

Bear shrugged. Kunai had gotten bored and was humming to himself, apparently oblivious.

"Time for another rousing sing-a-long?" Che asked him.

Kunai stared blankly at him for a moment and then launched into song. A song about ninjas.

"Someone's been spending too much time around me." said Che. He turned back to work, his creased forehead the only sign of his agitation. The place had been quite large, and now they were in a labyrinth of holograms. Even if they found the entrance again, the bridge was likely cut. Why bother with strong men and complicated locks when you can lead thieves within and then wait for them to starve to death?

He had plenty of food, but nonetheless. Speed was his skill, and Bear was over there, looking over his shoulder and saying nothing.

There was a trick that worked in RPGs. Put your left hand on the wall and walk. It could take hours, and you might still end up going in circles, but it beat wandering aimlessly. Che trailed his fingers along the wall and kept on, gnawing on candies for energy and trying to think of songs about thieves.

Some hours later, Che still hadn't thought of a song about thieving, but at least Kunai's voice was giving out.

"You're soooooo lost."

"Shut up."

"Bear, can't we go home and leave him here?"

Bear didn't respond. Kunai looked him over, then pet his head.

"You've put Bear to sleep. I've never even seen him sleep."

Che kept onwards. "That's because you get up at noon."

This was bad. Very, very bad. Even Bear, presumably, couldn't keep a map in his head while unconscious. The place was full of corridors and fake electric torches and drops into nothing, but little else. Che was beginning to think they made the hoard easy to find just to amuse themselves. It was only a matter of time before they came across jewel-encrusted skeletons and badly spelled last messages scrawled across the stone.

There was so much of so little going on, it took Che several seconds to register the figure standing in front of him. Grinning evilly.

"Hey," said Che, "That's my job."

"What, going nowhere?" The man flared his nostrils unpleasantly.

"Are you the boss of this level?" Che backed up. "Kunai, you like nosy people, don't you?"

Kunai gave them both a look, then thumbed towards Che. "I don't know him."

"Brilliant."

The guard nodded approvingly at Kunai. "Never trust someone who smiles all the time." Kunai smirked. "Or whose eyes you can't see."

"Hey!"

The man took a long moment to bow and no time at all to whip out a long and unidentifiable pointy object. "But my apologies. Dauster, commander and head of security."

Che rubbed the fuzz at the end of his chin. "Dauster? Wasn't there some sort of cartoon villain by that name? Had some sort of battle panda, I think."

Dauster seemed to find something funny, although it probably wasn't Che. "You've actually done quite well, which is why I'm here."

"...or perhaps it was a very badly drawn horse." Che contemplated this a moment, while the air shimmered around him. It looked like a heat haze, a mirage, but the temperature remained cold and clammy. When the air was done frying itself, the bare hallway was an open plain, the sun beating down heatlessly.

"That's interesting..." He better damn well remember where the walls had been. Speed doesn't help when one uses it to crash head-first into a wall. But at least the flickering torches were gone, giving his eyes a rest.

"Now's the bit where we bounce on our heels until the announcer shouts 'Fight on?'"

Che barely ducked under the blade, his right arm bumping into the invisible wall as he did so. He backed up, following one wall and gaging the distance to its opposite.

"You said, 'fight on.'" said Dauster.

"Aren't you the clever one." He gave a smile that said, and by that I mean, you aren't.

Che glanced over his shoulder--Kunai was setting Bear down behind a corner, giving Che another good indication of the space around them--and dodged the next swipe of the blade. The man was surprisingly fast, but his second sweep was directed at Kunai. He dodged the blade as Che had done, backing down the corridor, away from him.

Dauster smiled.

Kunai grabbed for his right arm as it split open, and Dauster was charging back in Che's direction again. Some sort of trick. Flattening to the wall, Che gave him as wide a berth as he could.

"Bear--!"

He'd missed that, how had he missed that? The blue spot in Dauster's hand, now tumbling away from them. Kunai had already leaped past him as his mind caught up to it, and as he moved they disappeared over an invisible horizon.

He stared at the space where they had been a second too long, and only instinct got him out of the way of another swipe. It was close. Che wondered if he could risk a look downwards, and barely stopped himself. He could feel a cut, though a hand put to his chest found no blood. It felt like the kind that you thought hadn't broken skin, only to find your clothes stained with blood later.

Che didn't have that much blood to spare.

"All this technology and you couldn't afford a gun?" Che eyed the end of the blade. It came out of the wall with a scraping noise, but the image of pleasant prairie was unscratched. Another illusion. It had missed them both and left cuts where it might have been.

Dauster shrugged, pulled a piece from behind his back and fired a round in Che's direction. The enclosed space made this difficult on him, but most people are no good at hitting a moving target. Nor did Dauster seem to be trying. That left Che to pull off some very fancy footwork and then stand there looking bored as the echoes of the gunshots died down. It should have been very impressive, but Dauster looked unsurprised. He holstered the gun and put both hands back to the blade.

Che danced well clear of the next swipe and the next. Dauster was obviously smart enough to know he couldn't get Che at long range. Which meant he should realize he couldn't get Che with a slow, sweeping blade either. Che kept an eye out for the sudden reappearance of the gun, at close range. Both hands still on the hilt...

The blade flashed down again, and Che sidestepped right into a wall. He corrected himself in a flash of blind panic, and stood there panting and waiting to fall to pieces like a cartoon character. Possibly a panda.

Dauster's overly wide mouth was bared and shark-like. "Didn't plan this too well, did you?"

Che smiled weakly. "I had two backup plans, and they're both at the bottom of that cliff."

Truth be told, Kunai wasn't a very good ninja. It wasn't just the stark white hair and skin or the blood red eyes. Properly swathed in black, that didn't matter. It wasn't even his bad vision, the prescription sunglasses took care of that. But a ninja had to be able to stand a few feet away from a person actively looking for them and not be seen. It should be easy, at least outdoors. You make a jacket out of grass and lie down, and there you go.

Kunai had never been any good at it.

Truth be told, Kunai was a very bad ninja. He couldn't do ninjutsu or anything. So, he'd just gone with his talent, his raw strength. While his classmates were easily able to track and attack him, he always survived. Attacking reveals oneself, and revealing a ninja means he's screwed. This was why Kunai was one of the few ninjas to survive to adulthood--which was the final proof that he was not a good ninja at all.

But, like any of his fellows, Kunai expected to die an early and terrible death. It was without any regard for his safety that he threw himself after Bear and into open air. The image of bleak sunny days disappeared, but Bear was still ahead of him, quashing any fears that it had been another trick. Kunai dove, stretching his arms to their limit and eventually cradling Bear within them. He sighed with relief, and thrust an arm out.

It took half a minute for them to stop, dangling over the chasm by a trowel.

"Are you okay, Bear?"

Bear looked like he'd be turning green if he weren't blue to begin with. "What happened?"

"You got thrown off a cliff. Sorry."

Bear seemed to take this well, or at least he was too distracted by nausea to be angry.

"Hold on," Kunai put Bear down his shirt for safekeeping and began scaling the wall. They'd had lots of exercises like this, and it wasn't hard. "I probably have to save Che now."

He was tired. Borrosans were not made for their endurance. The torches had given him a headache. The maze had tried his patience. He liked tricking others, not being tricked.

He couldn't even risk using Wrist as a shield, not with the blade cutting where it didn't appear to be. He might lose an arm. He'd bleed out in seconds.

"I'm feeling strangely nostalgic for magicians," said Che, "I don't suppose you have any cards?"

"This isn't magic enough for you?" Dauster nodded his head at the illusionary scenery.

"I do have an ace," said Che, "I'm just not sure when it'll kick in."

"You think they're going to come back to save you?"

"Well, no..."

Dauster laughed and crouched to strike again, when a hand appeared and knocked him out with the sort of precision that honestly should exist only in the movies, and just as well.

"NO TOUCHIE BEAR." said Kunai.

Che continued to himself, "I think they're going to come back to hurt you."

Kunai said, "You always think we're gonna be here to bail you out?"

"I did have another ace. Maybe." Che had to admit (though only to himself) that it was one of his less dramatic and more far fetched plans.

Well, less dramatic until the sideways hail of money started, anyway.

"Oh. And there it is." Che coughed. "You see, I just thought it might be funny if the next time the fan turned on, it went over-speed--" Che waved his hand in a circle. "...bit of a practical joke. Palace full of holes, giant fan next to piles of money. The setup was just asking for it. You can't expect me to resist."

There was a long pause. And an explosion.

"No," said Bear, "I don't suppose we can."

"I do think we should get out of here," said Che, as smoke began to mingle with the money.

Kunai looked down his tank top and whined, "Do I have to bring him?"

"Behave," said Bear in a way that suggested he wasn't really listening and that this was his new default response. Fortunately, Kunai interpreted this as "pull out some strange rope-gun thing and shoot it at the opposite side of the valley, making an impromptu bridge."

"I thought you got rid of your ninja stuff," said Che.

"I got rid of my weapons," said Kunai, fastening the other end, "You can't ask me to get rid of all my stuff. I'd be naked."

"Heaven forbid."

Kunai wrinkled his nose at him before throwing him over his shoulder in a most undignified manner. The way he swung himself onto the top of the rope and actually bound along across it was definitely unfair. Not to mention Che had a lovely view of the plummet below the entire time. But, rather than comment, he just gave Kunai a wry grin when he set him down on the opposite side.

"Doesn't your face hurt from doing that all the time?" said Kunai.

"My facial muscles are quite strong."

"Must be all that yapping."

Bear yawned. Apparently it wasn't even worth "behave" anymore.

So they made their way back to the ship as the expensive rain fell on the people rejoicing in the streets.

"I really didn't mean to do this much," said Che, although the dancing of the locals had brought his smile back to full-force. "I wonder if I should apologize."

He pulled out the wad of cash, selected a bill, and wrote a short letter on it.

"I wonder if it'd be uncouth for me to recommend he fire that Dauster fellow."

He made an envelope out of several more bills, and handed it off to a random person with a request it go back to the palace. The man laughed at him and ran off, waving handfuls of money above his head.

"...I'm sure it'll get back to him eventually. He made it once, after all."

Bear finally turned to him. "You've never had a job in your life, have you?"

"Is it that obvious?"

Che didn't see how he could spend his money now, so Kunai spent the afternoon making origami out of it. Che did keep one bill, however--he always was fond of those little paper cranes. Not that he told Kunai that.

The next planet had excellent guidance systems, and the ship neatly landed itself. It had to, because they could see nothing through the view-screen. They thought perhaps it was broken, but quickly realized it was just that bright. Che quickly changed into an all white outfit, whipping sunglasses onto his nose and screwing a baseball cap onto his head. Kunai started lathering on sunscreen with an air of fatalistic determination.

"You don't have to come, Kunai," said Bear.

"I'm coming," said Kunai, pulling a wide, floppy hat from somewhere in his jacket.

They stepped out from the cool, air-conditioned interior of the ship. The heat knocked them back with a force that left them dizzy.

"You all right, Bear?" said Che.

Bear shrugged.

"I suppose it helps to be naked," said Che, striking towards the town. The heat sunk right into his bones, which made it both easier and harder to withstand. Kunai caught ahold of the back of his shirt.

"What is it? It's not that far."

Bear looked up. "He's got his eyes closed."

Che panted a few moments, then handed over his bandanna. "Here, try this."

Che couldn't guess how long it took them to get into town; his sense of time had been fried out of his skull. They eventually found themselves sitting in a fountain, drenched and exhausted and drawing curious looks from the locals.

Che eyed them, nursing an indecently warm soda. "I'm not moving, and you can't make me."

"I think I'm blind," groaned Kunai. He still had the bandanna over his eyes.

"At least your species has sweat glands," said Che.

"You know, I kind of like this place," said Bear, "This is the first time you haven't caused trouble within an hour of setting foot on a planet."

"There was Arrivrealm," said Che. He tried to think of another, but quickly gave up. "I thought we could only get to hospitable planets."

"This is hospitable. You're not dead yet, are you?"

"I don't know, let me check."

Kunai moaned. "I'm cooked."

Che sighed and looked around the city. One building caught his eye. Big, industrial, not too far away. Almost certainly ...

"I bet that place has air conditioning," he said.

"Sir! Someone's broken into the compound!"

"Who? What are they up to?"

"Well, they're ..."

"What is it, man?"

"...they're just sitting in front of the cooling ducts, sir." He pulled them up on the monitor.

The trespassers sat with their hair waving and with expressions of complete satisfaction. A guard was trying to get their attention in the most polite way possible, because the blind one had knocked over anyone who'd been between them and the vent.

"Er, sirs? Could you maybe please leave?"

"No, I live here now," said the fuzzy one. He didn't appear to be paying any attention, either to the guard or the illicit machinery around him. After a moment of hesitation (and a quick look at his fellows on the ground,) the guard decided attacking would not be a good career move.

"They probably won't be any trouble," said what the guard had previously assumed to be a stuffed toy. He took its word on it.

After some time, Che's blood was nicely cooled, and he had to look towards the inevitable: leaving the ice box.

"They have a wide courtyard out front," he said, "I bet there's room for the ship to land there."

"I don't think they'll like that," said Bear.

"Who cares what they like?" Che and Kunai chorused.

Bear hunched into his shoulders. "...that was disturbing."

The owners did, in fact, like it, if only because it meant the strange people went away very quickly. Calls were made, so should they return they would find the planet's guidance systems unavailable to help them.

Fortunately, it never came up.

The next planet was too cold. Feeling as though he were in some sort of parable, Che asked the computer if anyone had fiddled with the controls. The computer denied it, but it could be lying. No point in having a computer that was compelled to tell the truth, after all. It could get you in trouble.

Che dressed warmly, took one step into the unknown, then took one much more rapid step back inside before the cold could suck all the energy out of him. He swore he could feel his soul huddle in his chest, afraid it would be sucked out as well.

"It's not that bad," said Kunai, starting to make a snow ninja by feel.

It was. Che was warm, warm all the time. Very useful for cool weather, very dangerous for cold. He'd feel warm up until the moment his body ran out of energy and then it'd be too late.

He wondered vaguely if there were any earmuffs in the world big enough to cover all his ears. He settled instead for tucking them into a wooly pullover hat. Bear had his tied to his body with a scarf.

"Is it really worth going if I don't look good when I get there?" Che asked the air, his breath solidifying into mist.

"You think you look good normally?" said Kunai. He hadn't given the bandanna back yet. Che couldn't really blame him. He still had his sunglasses on.

"It's beautiful," said Bear, considering the landscape from his position tucked down Kunai's coat. "What I can see without hurting my eyes, at least."

"Civilization," said Che, pointing towards a ship docked outside a town and trying to usher the ninja onward, "Or what passes for it on this planet anyway."

It didn't take long, partially because the brightness of the dead light made them misjudge the distance, partially because no one really expected the ship to be that big. Usually ships had style but not size (like the Brinkmanship) or size but no style. This ship had both and was therefore exponentially more expensive than the other two types.

Che grinned at it for a long moment before coming back to himself. "I suppose I can't just steal the whole thing, can I? It's a bit beyond my needs."

He waited for the requisite comment from Bear, but apparently he wasn't paying attention.

"But then, a rich vessel is likely to contain a rich cargo."

"Yeah, whatever," said Kunai, "We all know you're going for it."

Che wrinkled his nose at this and continued on. A bit of surreptitious eavesdropping determined that the ship made its maiden voyage tomorrow. Of course, there was no chance of getting a ticket now; only the rich or famous had a chance to begin with.

Che rubbed his hands together, but not from the cold.

"He's only going to get worse as he gets older," said Kunai.

"We shall return!" said Che, as dramatically as one could from under four layers of heavy clothing.

Kunai was annoyed. He had missed seeing Che trying to wade through thigh-high snow in a dignified manner. He had missed seeing anything. Not to mention his white coat matched the white snow too well and reminded him of old habits. He was happy when his vision turned dark, and he removed Che's bandanna to find himself within the gilt and cherry interior of the Fellowship.

"Oooh," he said appreciatively, "...why am I dressed like this?"

"We're in disguise," said Che in his most patently obvious voice.

"When did this happen? Am I a bellhop? How come you're not a bellhop?"

"No one would ever hire me."

Kunai laughed at that, which was a mistake, because by the time he stopped Che was off again.

"What are we stealing?"

"For a ninja, you don't really understand the idea of undercover, do you?"

"Most bellhops don't have Bear sticking out their front." He gave Bear a quick look. He was examining the latticework with a bored air. "And you look like a shyster."

"So does everyone else here. And you're not a bellhop, you're a ..." Che snapped his fingers a few times. "A man."

"A what?"

"You follow me around and do what I say."

"No, I don't."

Che looked genuinely exasperated by this. As a ninja and therefore lowest caste, Kunai knew all about annoying his betters by pretending to be stupid. He was pleasantly surprised to see it working. Normally it'd just get something thrown at him.

A thump rocked the ship. Che looked up from examining some fine artwork he was probably planning to steal.

"We're moving?" said Kunai.

"We've been moving," said Che, "This isn't the sort of ship that bumps."

A voice came from above their heads, attempting to sound calm. "Everything is all right, please excuse the disturbance."

Kunai tensed at the tone. It was familiar; it was the tone of someone who thought that if they pretended everything was all right, things might suddenly become all right.

"Hoo boy. We're gonna die."

Che had apparently had the same thought. He was racing towards a window, and Kunai followed him.

"Have I mentioned that I hate pirates?" Che said, "Why are we being attacked?"

"Same reason you're here, I guess."

"But I called it!"

Kunai tried to give this the withering look it deserved. Unfortunately, he just wasn't as good at it as Bear.

"The reason why I hate pirates," said Che, even though no one had asked, "Is that they're idiots. This ship is worth a fortune, and they're damaging it!"

"How dare they," said Kunai. He was working on his sarcasm, too.

Bear surveyed the damage. "That doesn't look good."

Che took off towards the elevators, speaking over his shoulder. "Care to elaborate?"

"This ship has a lot of momentum," said Bear, "If there's too much damage, steering and braking will become a problem."

"Fantastic."

Security rushed past them, towards where the pirates were boarding. Kunai wondered if he should join them. Ninjas trumped pirates, he was sure, although maybe not when so many were involved.

The ship rocked again.

There was screaming now. Kunai wondered where it was coming from. He hadn't seen anyone who looked like a passenger since he'd take the blindfold off. One of the perks of being rich seemed to be avoiding other people.

"Here," said Kunai, pushing Bear into Che's hands. Regardless of what Che thought, his job was not to follow him around.

Kunai rushed off in the direction of the carnage, relaxing as he got close enough to see the cause instead of just hearing the effects. Then he cracked his knuckles, and he dealt with it.

"I don't know what he thinks he's doing," said Che, continuing up to the bridge.

"Helping," said Bear.

"We could anchor the Brinkmanship--"

"Too light, too little power," said Bear, "Although--"

Che took that as his cue to call it up with the remote Bear had created after the Suk Klohe incident. Otherwise, he kept quiet until they reached the bridge. The crew was successfully engaged in panicking, so he looked for something else to do.

"That way," said Bear, after a quick look at the displays. Che followed the stubby, pointing paw down a few more shaking hallways. The windows were blackened with soot or smoke, leaving them to guess at what was happening outside.

"It's a good thing there's so little to hit," said Che. "The advantages of a winter wasteland."

Something far behind them exploded, shaking Che's ribcage in a way he normally associated with thunder.

An announcement followed in the aftershocks. "--to the upper levels, I repeat, all passengers to the upper levels."

"I think we've lost the pirates."

"And the slowing effect of their ships," Bear added.

Che was half-walking on the wall, and had to pull himself up to the next doorway.

"We do seem to be sliding," Che said.

Opening the doorway overwhelmed him with smoke. He slammed it shut again, coughing.

"And this isn't even my fault," he chuckled, putting a mask over Bear's face and then getting one of his own. He hefted the two tanks under one arm and put Bear down so he could jerk the door open again.

"Hold up, hold up!" he said after Bear bolted through the door. He juggled the loads to follow after him. How he could find anything was beyond him; perhaps little button eyes had better eyesight than he thought. Following the tank's tubes, he arrived at a console to find Bear already well at work.

He sat down and waited, slightly annoyed that he couldn't drink soda as he did. He should have popped some candies before coming in.

It wasn't until Bear had fixed the damage and the air cleared that Che realized they were standing in half of a room. He'd been too focused on the smoke to notice how quickly it sped by. Now he was free to gaze straight into the open and suddenly chilly sky.

"Bear! Are you done?"

"Next one," Bear pointed.

Che was happy to oblige before the ship could tip them out. Bear's new directions were to go right, which was as easy as falling down stairs, which was basically what Che did.

"Ow," he said, "Is that a mountain?"

There was a series of lurches as the ship plummeted, then met the snow and grated itself against it. Che couldn't hear Bear anymore, and followed the pointing paw while sticking earplugs in his ears. He got a pair of dampening earphones over Bear's head before he could run off this time.

"I am prepared for everything, except possibly death," said Che to himself, "Although I may have an ointment for it somewhere..."

Kunai was right; ninjas did trump pirates. At least that was how he was choosing to interpret what had happened. They did run away, even if Kunai himself was now clinging blindly to the side of the ship, coughing heavily. His crawling had taken him out of the smoke, but away from any entrances as well, it seemed. Nothing to do but hope there was one ahead of him. The ship had tried to shake him off and had now crashed, but that was probably kind of good. They were slowing down. Of course, that meant the pirates would come back.

He hid in an enclave, shivering off the snow. His eyes burned from the light and the wind, but he still peeked out from under the bandanna occasionally. The Brinkmanship was doing its best to tugboat them to a stop, with little success. The various changing roars of straining machinery probably meant that Bear had gotten something working. And hopefully, everyone'd gotten to the upper levels, since the lower levels probably didn't exist anymore.

Kunai tugged on the mechanical button on his collar. "Computer, is everything okay?"

"You're headed towards a town. And a mountain. A town on a mountain."

"Can we stop?"

"At this rate, no."

Kunai peeked out again. They were going a lot slower--as far as he could tell--but something this big probably took half a continent to stop.

"Tell Bear and see if you can get him off," said Kunai. "And pull. I'll see what I can do."

A proper ninja would probably have some awesome technique that could handle this. Kunai had only his strength.

But it was a lot of strength.

Kunai pulled himself towards the front of the ship. He was a ninja. And ninjas died fighting.

"We're not leaving."

"Kunai's request--"

"Is denied," said Bear firmly.

Che had gotten ahold of the intercom. "Passengers who do not wish to learn how to fly should tie themselves to something heavy. Immediately. I repeat--"

"Tell Kunai to secure himself."

Even as Bear said it, Che was doing just that, and trying unsuccessfully to get ahold of Bear and do the same with him.

"Request denied."

"What?"

"He says he's busy." said the computer.

"Is he at least somewhere safe?"

"He's standing on the front of the ship. So, not remotely."

Bear stared for a second, then jumped off the panel. "Kunai!"

Che grabbed him, managing with some trouble to keep hold. The engines were kicking in, and Che's fierce hug was all that kept Bear from splatting across the far side of the room. All sound was drowned out by the screaming of tons of steel--

Kunai was thrown from the front of the ship and landed with perfect delicacy. In a split second the ship had caught up with him, and he met it, arms first.

His feet dug into the snow and met ice, and the layers of clothing he wrapped around his feet were quickly shorn away. He was overcome with light and sound and pain, but he kept his thoughts focused. He meditated on the importance of keeping his body straight even as it howled to relax and let the storm wash over him. As with all meditation, as with thoughts and dreams, he lost track of time, deafness and blindness and pain stretching into infinity.

It ended, and in the rumbling thunder, he heard his legs crack.

He fell and curled and succumbed his burning body to the cool, comforting snow.

"Fox is just about ready to kill you."

It was softly said, and Kunai cocked an ear. Being dead was nice, but Bear was speaking, so he should probably pay attention.

"I never thought I'd meet someone more reckless than Bear!" Fox sounded like he was tearing his hair out, assuming his current body had any.

"Shhh," said Bear, "His ears."

"It seems the only way he'll die is if we hammer in a stake and cut off his head," said a less welcome voice, around a cookie.

Kunai gave into the fact that he was alive. No afterlife was big enough for both Che and Bear.

"And this technology," said Fox, "How do people on your planet ever survive broken bones?"

"They usually don't," Che admitted, "You know, it really does make sense. He hates the light, he eats meat. He's always turning up in bedrooms uninvited."

"Fox does that too," said Bear with some amusement.

"I invite myself."

"Am I okay?" said Kunai. His vision was swirling. He felt around until someone handed him his sunglasses. They didn't help the swirling, but he could sort of see.

"You have to wear these for a month." said Bear, patting his casts, "Then, we'll use this saw that cuts casts but not skin."

Bear demonstrated this on himself.

Kunai blinked, took it, and tried it on himself. Nothing. "Cool!" He tried it on his casts.

"Not yet!"

"Oops." Kunai abashedly put the new toy down. Then picked it back up, and threatened Che with it a little.

"You need calcium." said Fox "Drink lots of milk."

"I'm lactose intolerant."

Che stole the saw away. "Again, you make a wonderful ninja."

"It's a little known fact that most ninja are lactose intolerant." Kunai turned up his nose.

He was steadier now, so he tried carefully to sit and stand and find his balance. The breaks were below the knees, fortunately, so he could probably forgo the wheelchair and crutches.

"Use the chair." said Fox.

"I don't need it. Here, watch."

Kunai bounded to the deck. He crouched--a bit difficult--then launched himself into the air, flipping, twirling, and coming down perfectly, sticking his landing--

--rocking on his heels, waving his arms wildly and falling over.

Che stared for a moment. "There is no way I can possibly convey how amusing this is."

"Chair," said Fox in his best Bear voice.

"Yes, mother," Kunai sulked all the way to his seat.

Che took pity on him, wheeling him towards the refrigerator. "Come on, let's find you some non-dairy."

Fox took a few deep breaths to calm himself. He was obviously not used to this, but he rallied commendably, giving Bear a weak smile.

"Does this mean you're the dad?"

"Apparently." Bear shook his head. "I just hope that this incident has taught them to be more careful."

The hallways thumped with footsteps. They turned just in time to see the duo go by, Che pushing Kunai to speed and then jumping on.

"Wheeeeeeeee!"

Bear stared.

"Faster!"

"All right, but then you have to push me." Che said.

"You know," said Fox sympathetically, "You really should learn not to give them straight lines like that."

Much later, Kunai found out via the multinet that there was one small town that regarded him a hero. He had shrines amidst the slurs, fan pages amidst the wanted posters and idolizers amidst the demonizers. Should it ever come to that, there was someone--someone besides Bear--who would speak in his defense. They obviously didn't know him, no more than those who hated him. And yet ...

Kunai thanked Che for the link and set it aside. And smiled softly to himself for a moment, before returning to work.