A Lack of Something Sinister

In a world of amazing cities, Athena was considered the most impressive. The buildings were spread out, giving the city a sprawling reach that could not be walked across in less than a week. People of every shape strolled through foliage and technology and a constant swirl of movement. It was so easy to be lost, to be overwhelmed. The place just cried out to be explored, but who, in one measly lifetime, could see everything? You needed an engineering degree just to read the maps. Still, somehow everyone got where they were going. Life worked regardless of the inhabitants' confusion or ignorance.

If that wasn't progress, what was?

Athena could also boast of its University, a city unto itself. Not to mention all the alumni who remained there. For example, the one in the bald white box of a building that let everyone in and no one through. Its owner was an imposing and literally grizzly figure. True, he had not invented anything new in some time, worrying as he was at the fabric of the universe, working at it until the day it released a new thread of understanding.

Bear was adrift as usual in the seas of inquiry when his vision yanked at his sleeve for attention and presented a picture of a familiar and slightly evil looking face. Bear half-dropped what he was holding, fumbled it, and finally lost it only to have it snapped out of the air and presented back to him.

"Che," he said, after giving him a Look for being indecently smug, "What are you doing here?"

"What, no 'how are you', no 'it's been a long time'?"

"It hasn't been that long."

"Seven years. Aguedo time, that is." Che considered it. "Well, I suppose to you that's nothing."

Che was snappily dressed, very business-like, with a watch on his left wrist and his hair cropped short.

"I thought you didn't like haircuts," said Bear, "Something about scissors snipping around your ears."

Che slicked down his hair. "Honestly, that was a long time ago. I've grown up since then."

"That so?"

Che's ears ticked back with annoyance. "Yes. Senior year of college. I'm old enough to vote, drive and buy pornography. Not that I do, of course."

"Vote?"

Che's ears ticked further back

"I'm wondering how you got on the planet. Access is restricted."

Che's smile returned for that. "Oh, I have connections."

Bear didn't bother to ask. Kunai was working for AEGIS now, as one of the elite who defended Arrivrealm from invaders. He could easily set this up.

"That doesn't tell me why you're here." Bear said.

"I'm working on my senior thesis. I'm an ethnologist."

Bear mentally translated this. "You're studying culture?"

"Comparative culture, yes. There's lots of money in trade, especially thanks to you. But first you have to negotiate. I'll be a bit of a diplomat."

There was a long pause while Bear wrestled with diplomacy. "Not the trade I imagined you'd pick."

Che almost looked offended. "Who better? I've been all over the multiverse. And what better culture to study than Arrivrealm?"

"You have time to do this?"

"It's helpful," said Che, "Besides, I got ahead over break."

Bear stepped to his console and began typing. Che attempted to peek around Bear at what he was up to, but was prevented by the fact that there was too much Bear to peek around. After a long silence filled with tapping noises, Che apparently realized Bear wasn't going to contribute any more to the conversation.

"So, what have you been up to?"

"The usual."

"The usual messing with space and time?" Che looked him over.

Bear finished typing and went on to fiddle with his machines and models. If you imagined a merry-go-round serving ice cream to an infinite number of school children, you had the general idea of the multinet. However, this was presumably not the why it existed, unless you replaced the ice cream with porn.

"So, no more inventing?"

"Inventions happen." said Bear. Of course, Che wasn't going to be satisfied with that. Bear would have to go on about how the practical applications necessarily came after the science, and often as a way to both test it and buttress it.

"I see." It sounded like he wasn't listening.

Bear turned and gave him the once-over. Che was looking at one of the simpler models--one Bear had used to explain it all to Fox. Fox inevitably came up with the most ridiculous rejoinders, ("So, how does the ice cream stay cold?") but often he was strangely helpful. Che was examining it with his lips in a firm line of concentration and his ears back. His gaze went from it to take in the entire laboratory, so large and full of machinery that you could build a ship here.

Bear's emotions didn't live in his head, the way others' seemed to. Bad things would form in his gut, fear would clutch his chest, and anger would sit between them. Emotions were a substitute for thought. When you were hurt, a trigger was formed beneath the brain. Similar circumstances would pull it, and you would react before your head had time to think about how dangerous it was.

But Bear was quick. He could think and have second thoughts and mull the threat over in a finger snap. His emotions were an appendix. They were still there, in a much reduced and superfluous form. But they were obsolete.

Nonetheless, he had a bad feeling. Bear's mental "worrisome" file added a couple more items. It was beginning to be quite the pile.

"Che!"

Only a quick side-step saved Che from being bowled over by Kunai. As it was, the navy-blue streak of justice ricocheted off a wall, flipped in the air and landed neatly beside him.

"Heeey," said Kunai, "That's cheating."

"Are you trying to murder me?" said Che, stepping back.

"I was just saying hi," Kunai protested, "And I went to the trouble of finding a non-sushi restaurant."

"Um, yay?"

"Yes, yay," said Kunai, trying unsuccessfully to catch ahold of Che's arm, "I'm going to show you around the city."

"You are?"

Bear was already back at his console and ringing Fox.

"Well, that's nice of you," said Che, even as his ears ticked back.

"Stop being such a jerk! I'm gonna introduce you to my AEGIS friends." Kunai lowered his voice. "So they know what to look out for."

Che looked like he'd prefer to be doing anything else, but was nonetheless ushered into the streets.

"They have a odd relationship," said Fox, "He's allowed on the planet?"

"Fox, I need you over here."

Fox's eyes grew wide.

"You're inviting me over? You've never invite me anywhere!"

"That's because I know you'll turn up anyway." said Bear, "But I'd like you here, now."

Bear hung up before Fox could embarrass him with his response and returned to inquiring about things he was certainly not supposed to know.

Kunai had only two fellow officers, both of whom looked like confused birds and seemed to disapprove of Che on principle.

"I might have told them about you," Kunai admitted.

"Yes, well," Che searched, apparently for a reasonable cliché. "Water under the bridge, I'm sure."

Che looked on the foreign cuisine with total distrust, so they ended up in the park, listening to far-off strains of music and urban life.

"What's Bear up to? He wouldn't say."

"No idea."

"Don't you live with him?"

"Yup, upstairs." Kunai checked his organizer. It had become habit whenever he was bored and hoping for a call to duty. He wrinkled his nose at it, then returned his attention to Che. "There's barely room, with all the stuff all over the place."

"So I saw. How does he find anything?"

"He just remembers."

Kunai put the organizer away. "Where ya staying?"

"I was just going to stay on the ship."

"Haven't you been on that thing for weeks? You should get a hotel."

"I'm fine," said Che, waving him off.

Kunai leaned on a fist, looking Che over.

"...yes?"

"You look weird with short hair." Kunai shrugged. "I'm going home. You're probably tired anyway. You can find your way back, right?"

"Certainly. I'd hate to trouble you." He sounded like he meant it.

"Right," Kunai waved his arms in exasperation as he left.

Despite the brush off, Che returned the next day. He was surreptitiously ... Bear couldn't help but think "casing the joint" ... when Bear found him.

"How are you getting in here?" said Bear.

"I just walked in," said Che, "Were you trying to keep me out?"

"Out of curiosity, did you even try the front door?"

"Of course. It just shunts you out the back." Che poked a piece of equipment.

Bear turned into his console and typed in a few things before turning back. He gave Che some consideration.

"Enough," Bear said, "Who are you?"

Che stopped examining the equipment and turned, very slowly. "What was that?"

A meaningful gaze met him. "My best friend is in and out of bodies all the time. I'm not going to be fooled by looks."

Che crossed his arms and smiled. "You think I've transmogrified or something?"

"No, there's no record, and the machines are very secure. Only a couple people in the world can break them."

"So, what, you think I just happen to look like your friend?"

"No, I think you're an alternate version of Che from another universe," said Bear, "Although I know how stupid that sounds."

The strange thing was, they'd even talked about this. What if there were a version of you that was evil, Che had asked, apparently delighted by the prospect.

Then he wouldn't be me, Bear had said.

The impostor just stared.

"There's one thing," said Bear, "You don't smile enough. Che doesn't stop smiling unless he's bleeding from a major artery, and even then I'm not so sure."

"I think you're being a bit hasty. It's been a long time--for me, in any case."

"Che's parents haven't heard from him for weeks. That's odd. But mostly, it's just ... obvious. Kunai agrees. You're not Che," said Bear, "Frankly, I want to know what you've done with him."

Their gazes locked for a long moment.

Finally, a laugh. "No worries. She is very annoying, but still useful. Not to mention, killing her would be strange."

"Where is he?" said Bear.

"The ship. In fact," He brought out a small device, pressed a few buttons and waited. An image formed of a fuzzy brown man in weathered clothes playing solitaire on the floor. He peered at his doppelganger from under his bangs.

"Oh, it's you," said the image of Che, smiling with disgust, "Done kicking puppies for today, are we?"

"Someone for you," the impostor said, and held it up.

"Bear!" Che grinned. The voice retained the familiar, perpetually amused tone. "You've ... gained weight. Looks good."

"Are you all right?"

"Oh yes. Very good soda pop, here. Nothing like being kidnapped by someone with your tastes." Che's smile turned mildly apprehensive. "You know, this time it really isn't my fault. I was innocently behaving myself when this," Che apparently didn't have an insult bad enough, so he just gestured. "Showed up."

"Antoine," the impostor said, bowing slightly, "Che is such a pedestrian name."

Bear rubbed his temples. "This is like being mugged from two sides."

"I'm not the puppy-kicker," protested Che.

"No, she's the hostage." said Antoine.

"That's not going to work."

"That's right," said Che, "He doesn't even like me. Never returns my mail or anything."

Antoine smiled, looking for a moment much more like Che. "Why shouldn't it work? The coppers are off world dealing with my invaders, so there's no one to save her. Your defenses are made for keeping people out, not in. This world isn't really that much safer than it was seven years ago."

"It's true that we never got the hang of fighting," said Bear, "But you've overlooked three important things."

"Yes?"

"I've already told you two of them," said Bear, "I hate to repeat myself, but ... The first being, my best friend changes bodies all the time. The second being, only a couple people in the world can break through the security on the transmogrification machines."

Bear took a breath while Che got himself a soda, obviously enjoying this rare bit of dramatics.

"...And the final being, I'm one of those people."

Antoine stared at him. "Pardon?"

"He's saying that he turned Fox into something," said Che.

"...Fox?"

"The airhead. I mean ... the biologist. The genius biologist. The wonderful, forgiving, very cute genius biologist?" Che said, "Who is nice?"

That warranted a look at the screen. It looked like Kunai was standing outside Che's cell. There were shouts coming out of the thing, on the edge of hearing, and shots disappearing into some sort of shield.

Bear allowed himself a slight smile. "My inventions should keep him safe, but just in case, Kunai's body is very durable."

"Sure is!" piped up Fox, "I put my fist through the control panel, didn't even hurt! It was so cool!"

"How subtle," said Antoine. His ears were flat against his skull.

"How disturbing," said Che, laughing, "He's already starting to sound like Kunai."

"Why did you come here?" said Bear, "You must already have the multiverse jumper."

"Our Bear didn't invent the multinet first," Antoine spat, "It can't find other universes properly, it just goes to different versions of this one. There was such potential there..."

There was a long pause filled with silence and intermittent gunshot.

"Got your blaster," said Che's distant voice, laughing.

"Hey--!"

Antoine was breathing through gritted teeth. Bear wondered vaguely how a species like Che's could have produced him. It was like being menaced by a hummingbird.

"You would be amazed at what I have accomplished," said Antoine.

Bear shrugged. "Probably not."

"And you're taking me down with--what? Nothing. A dotty little man and my weak little double."

"If it makes you feel better," said Bear, "You're not the first."

"I can lift a ship!"

Fox was holding the tiny, personal craft over his head, true, much to the confusion of its passenger. He gently set it down, and they made their way back into the city. Che's patience ran out long before they found themselves at Bear's doorway. Kunai was waiting, shaking out a sooty blue jacket.

"We exploded," Kunai said by way of explanation. He left his coat to air and led the way into the maze of machinery.

"Does that happen often?" Che looked him over, but he seemed unharmed, and exactly as Che had left him. "Nice sunglasses."

"Thanks. They get lighter and darker on their own, so you can't flash lights in my eyes anymore."

"There goes my evening." The remark was half-hearted, and Che was soon huffing in annoyance. "Are you leading us to the phone? She caught me on Aguedo, and I have to make sure she hasn't done anything."

"Wouldn't that blow his ... her cover?" said Kunai as they came to join Bear in a cleared space.

"Not if I hid the bodies in a ditch somewhere." Antoine said, grinning.

"Beeear!"

"I checked, Che, your family is fine."

"What about my roommate?" said Che, "If she's dead her family will want her games back."

"He's fine." said Bear, "Put a hand in this."

Antoine gave the strange device a once-over, hand clutched protectively behind him. Che was already sitting down with one hand in the machine.

"Wuss," said Che.

"Pansy."

"Boor."

Antoine's response was so fast--and Che's so fast following it--that they could not be made out. The next ten seconds contained an hour of argument, at the end of which they both harrumphed and turned away from each other.

Kunai shook his head. "...I didn't understand any of that."

"It was mostly unprintable anyway," said Bear.

"How can you even think that fast?"

"We're not, we're just running our mouths off," said Che, tapping his fingers rapidly against the table, "It's amazing how quickly you go from Best Buddies to Not Speaking. I must've gone through ten friends a day as a child."

"Not to anyone's surprise, I'm sure," said Antoine. "What is this?"

"It should tell us which universe you're both from," said Bear, fiddling with appropriately science fiction-y knobs and dials.

Meanwhile, Fox seemed to be having far too much fun with his new superpowers.

"Kunai, let me pick you up!" He picked Kunai up by the waist, held him over his head and set him gingerly down again.

"Bear, let me pick you up!"

"No."

"Can I pick this up?"

"No."

"How about this?"

"You're Che," said Bear, nodding in his direction.

"Well, I knew that."

"Can I pick you up?"

"Please don't." Che withdrew his hand and gloated in Antoine's captured direction.

"I left your roommate's head on your bed."

"Beeear!"

"He's fine," said Bear, glaring at Antoine's smug expression.

At this point, Che realized that Kunai had disappeared, approximately .03 seconds before he was barreled into. It was a good thing the place was so vast, because it took them a long time to roll to a stop.

"Watch the ribs," said Che, laughing. Kunai grinned and loosened up the hug just a bit.

"We were worried about you," said Bear, tousling Che's already unkempt hair with a heavy hand.

Che returned the grin. "Now this is like being mugged from two sides."

"So this is how I'm to die," said Antoine, looking disgusted, "By lethal affection."

"Awwwww," said Fox, and hefted Antoine over his head.

Che dusted himself off as he returned to his feet. "In any case, I need the multinet. My parents, my classes--"

Bear nodded. "Are you really majoring in Ethnology?"

"Yes," said Che, tilting his head, "Why?"

"No reason."

Che gave him a crooked grin. "I did say I would behave. And here I am: a law-abiding adult, old enough to vote, drive and buy pornography."

"Not that you do, of course?" said Bear.

"No, I rent it," said Che, grinning, "Some of the best comedy there is, pornography."

"I think I get it now," said Antoine, "I was being too good, wasn't I?"

"There was that," said Bear, "And Che is left-handed."

"That explains everything," said Che, "Everyone knows right-handed people are evil."

"I thought that was left-handers?" Kunai said, or at least probably Kunai. The other one was pumping the table over his head, so definitely Kunai.

"That's what they want you to think."

Kunai shrugged. "I'm androgynous anyway."

"I think you mean ambidextrous." Che scrutinized him for a moment. "Although, I can't really say."

There was the doorbell. Kunai answered it while Bear subtly picked up Fox and hid him behind himself.

"This is Lory and Tenrec. They're my fellow officers."

Kunai shined up his badge, in case Che had missed the implication.

Che waved him off. "Yes, you're big and important, so you told me."

"Which one do we take?" said Lory or Tenrec. Whichever.

Kunai appeared to think about this a moment. Che just rolled his eyes at him.

"That one. She's like me only evil," said Che.

"Eviler." corrected Kunai, "Yeah, I guess you can leave Che. His parents are kinda scary."

Che watched as Antoine was escorted out and turned to Bear. "You do realize she didn't kill you because she still thinks she can beat you?"

"His mistake." said Bear, "Fox? Get out of that body before you get me in trouble."

"Awwwww." Fox peeked out from behind him. "They didn't see me."

"And they won't," said Bear firmly, ushering him out.

Che took a few deep breaths. "All right. Parents first. Multinet?"

Kunai gestured, then hung around in the background in an obvious attempt to eavesdrop. Che disappointed him by immediately speeding into what was, for a borrosan, normal speech.

"Che! You’re all right!" His father beamed. "Evan, come see, your sister’s all right! You are all right?"

"Yes, father."

"Oh, stop that. Now, where have you been?"

"I was kidnapped by an evil alternate universe of myself," said Che.

A voice piped up in the background. "I told you she was on drugs."

"Now, that’s not funny, Evan." He wagged a finger and turned back. "I knew it. We told the president you would never be so irresponsible."

The corner of Che’s mouth twitched, waiting for this to become amusing or horrifying. "The president?"

"They said they couldn’t send out a search party for someone who wasn’t missing, your mother was very put out."

Che’s mouth twitched again. "I imagine so."

"So, we just went up and up--have you called her yet? No? Let me connect you. Is that Kunai? HELLO, KUNAI."

Che hid his expression behind his hand. "Father, you have to speak slower, not louder."

He wagged his finger again. "One more father out of you, and I’ll let Evan into your room. Here’s your mother."

"Che, honey!"

"Hey, mum."

"I was right, wasn’t I?"

Che laughed. "Yes, mum."

"Everything all right?"

"That depends on whether I’m getting kicked out of school or not."

"You’ll think of something."

"I could hack into the school records."

"Don’t get caught."

Che laughed again. "Do I ever?"

His mother blew him a kiss. "Call me back once you’ve worked things out."

"Be right back, mum." Che disconnected, his grin fading, and took a deep breath. "All right. Roommate."

"Che!" His roommate's smile dawned and then broke.

Che sighed. "Get it over with."

"Er, there's a lot of bad news. Starting with the least worst, your mom cussed out the president for not sending any search parties."

"My parents are the least bad news? Oh dear."

"Well, they do this sort of stuff all the time, so I kinda figured … anyway, we maybe kind of broke your bed."

Che narrowed his eyes. "What were you doing on my bed?"

"Jumping."

"Why not jump on your bed?"

"Then I wouldn't have a bed."

"Marvelous."

"They're sending up a new one. And, uh." His eyes darted away. "About your classes. You're. Uh."

"Yes?"

"Um, screwed. Benedicta was making jokes about it. You're really screwed."

"That's all right," said Che, smiling, "At least I have somewhere to sleep. Oh, no..."

"OkayIhavetowriteapaperbye!" The line went dead.

Che tapped his fingers on the console for a moment, staring at the screen. Then he flopped over and banged his head on the keyboard.

"Beeear? Would you mind doing me a favor?"

"Would it stop you from saying my name like that?" said Bear.

"Thanks to that..." Che waved his hand. "Et cetera, I've missed all my classes. I'm going to fail."

"You didn't get ahead over vacation?"

"Well I could have, Bear," said Che, rolling his eyes, "But there's this little thing called 'video games.'"

"What do you expect me to do?"

"Just explain things to my professor! He adores you. He'll listen to you." Che's nose wrinkled. "He never did believe I knew you."

Bear raised an eyebrow at him. "You really are behaving yourself?"

"Well, I've never illegally changed my best friend into another person..."

Bear narrowed his eyes.

"...for a perfectly good reason." Che said, "If you read your mail, you'd know I've been good."

"He's a perfectly responsible adult." said Kunai from the sidelines, "Who votes, drives and rents pornography."

"I do vote. You wouldn't believe the idiots they put in office when I don't," said Che, "They're the same idiots they put in office when I do."

Bear seemed to consider this. "That's right, I did make a mail account to test out the multinet. I should delete it."

"Beeear!"

"Fine, although I can't imagine he'll believe me."

"He'd believe anything you told him," said Che, typing quickly, "You're Bear UnpronounableLastName."

Being behind bars was not good for the mental health of speedsters, and Che needed some lots-of-space therapy to recover. He spent a day just lying in a field somewhere eating potentially lethal amounts of chocolate. From the way he was buzzing around anxiously, he probably should have taken more time off.

Kunai found the whole thing disturbing.

"Che, don't you think you should take a break?"

"No, no, I have a perfectly good panic worked up here," said Che, "...why do I have five piles? I'm supposed to have four piles! What is this pile?"

"A good panic?" Very disturbing. "You have months to work on this now."

Che took a deep breath, sorting through the papers at high speeds. "You've never been to college, have you?"

"I went to Ninja Tech. For our senior thesis, people tried to kill us."

"If I relax, I'll never get myself properly motivated to work on it again."

"And for our homework, people tried to kill us."

"Even then, I'm graduating half a year late." Che divided the pile up into the other piles.

"And for our class exercises, people tried to kill us."

"My professor will give me that look."

Kunai folded his arms. "You're taking a break."

"You don't understand. The snark, Kunai, the snark!"

Bear eventually came to see what all the noise was. "What are you doing to Che?"

"It's a headlock." said Kunai, smiling and using his best 'up to nothing' voice.

"His face isn't supposed to be that color," said Bear, "Also, he needs to breathe."

Kunai sulked. He wasn't green enough to cut off someone's airway without meaning to. And he wasn't meaning to--yet. "What he needs is a break, but he's being stubborn."

"Let him go." It was in similar harmonics to "behave." Which was unfair, because he was totally helping.

Nonetheless, he let the drama queen go, and Che immediately clung to the nearest piece of furniture.

Kunai tried out his new and dulcet Voice of the Law. "Che and I are going on a relaxing hike through scenic Arrivrealm."

He picked Che up by the legs and started pulling.

"I'll die first!" The desk squeaked and began to shudder across the floor. "You'll never take me alive, copper!"

Eventually, Che had to let go, because the desk wouldn't fit through the door. Being his friend was nearly as much trouble as being his enemy and only slightly more fun.

"It's really weird to see you like this." said Kunai.

They were at one of the non-sushi restaurants that Antoine wouldn't touch. Che seemed to like it, from the way he had to stop and bask every time he took a bite out of anything.

"I know, I know," Che waved a hand, took a bite and basked. "College just ... drives you crazy, you know."

"You should relax."

"I can't relax."

Kunai gnawed on some chocolate-covered pretzel sticks with annoyance. "You know, Bear says Fox was normal when he started college. But he let it get to him ... "

The thought hung in the air a moment.

"Fine, I'll relax." Che gave him a wry grin.

Kunai returned it. Ninjas trumped thieves, too.

And ethnologists, he guessed.

"Are you okay about your grandparents?"

"What?" said Che, taken off guard, "Yes. Er, why? Worried I’ll go on another crime spree?"

"Just wondering."

"It was half a year ago."

Kunai tilted his head to examine Che. "Yeah, but if anything happened to Bear, it'd take me longer than half a year to get over it."

"Well, that's different." Che said, resting his head on the back of the chair, which was currently the front. College had also apparently cost him the ability to sit like a normal person. "Bear could be older than the stars, and he still wouldn't be done. But grandparents, well. It's hard to feel sorry for them, because they've done so much more than you. They were happy enough about it themselves."

"Seems to run in your family."

Che laughed. "Yes, well, I never planned to live even this long."

"Me neither."

Che smiled softly at that and took another piece of chocolate. "Bear and Fox would be livid if they heard this conversation."

"It's weird here," said Kunai, turning to take in the city through the window. "It's a better life than I could have imagined, but everyone's so ..."

Che raised an eyebrow, but Kunai couldn't find the word.

"Civilized?"

"Yeah, maybe." Kunai turned back and propped his chin in his hands. "They don't know what the word rape means. Can you believe that? I mean, it's great, but ... how do you deal with people like that?"

"If I could figure that out, I could make a mint," said Che, grinning.

"I mean, I don't understand you, let alone Bear or Fox or Lory or Tenrec or..." Kunai snorted. "I think I understand Whizgig, which is kinda weird."

"Whizgig...?"

"One of Fox's friends. Bear and him can't stand each other, you wouldn't believe it. They're very civilized about it, of course."

"That is interesting. Is he the devil incarnate?" Che leaned in, smiling.

"No, he's just some silly guy. I think ..." Kunai considered it. "Bear thinks he's bad for Fox. Like, he's a fair weather friend or something. Untrustworthy, unreliable, something."

"Ah. Well, Bear is very protective." Che paused. "I think."

Kunai took in their fellow diners. All shapes, all sizes. "It's kinda hard to believe this place is real."

Che stretched. "Well, they do say all you can dream is real, so all that is real is a dream."

Kunai gave him a suspicious look. "Have you been taking philosophy?"

"It's required." Che stood. "Come on."

Kunai followed. The walkway gave an excellent view of the city, another reason he'd chosen it.

"You're all scruffy now, too," said Kunai, "What happened to your image?"

"I'm in college." said Che, his new excuse for everything, "At least I'm clean. You should smell some of my dorm mates."

"You don't have sweat glands."

"They manage nonetheless."

Kunai shook his head. "And you never told me you were a girl."

Che gasped and took on a look of surprise. "I'm a girl?"

"Shut uuup!"

The city spread before them like some odd sort of sculpture. Or perhaps like an exquisite clockwork machine, the people and the animals and the foliage all intertwined. Except for them, of course. All shapes, all sizes, but ... you could tell, couldn't you?

Che chuckled softly to himself.

Kunai was roused from his thoughts. "...what?"

"I'm taller than you are," Che sing-sang.

Kunai resisted, with some effort, pushing him off. It didn't matter, because, as he found when he tried another headlock, Che wouldn't be caught again.

Bear's careful little hermit abode had suddenly become very populated.

Kunai was always there, of course, using the bed that Bear didn't. He was never any trouble. Che seemed to be staying here too, now, and he was trouble. Noisier and nosier than Kunai. Fox had given him the ice cream explanation, and he'd laughed and laughed.

Fox was also here, interrupting the most of all. He was having an argument with his family because they'd decided Fox should be normal and responsible. Fox had given up on both of those long ago.

Bear didn't really understand the concept of having a bad memory, but it all seemed clear if you thought like Fox. Fox's house was just a warehouse for his old stuff. No point in going there unless he was going to reminisce, and why reminisce alone? So why remember where it was? Fox remembered what was important and forgot what wasn't, same as anyone else. He just had a different idea of what was important.

Fox's family believed you couldn't spend your life staying over at other people's houses. Fox's friends disagreed, frankly because Fox had trained them to.

There it was. Bear couldn't underestimate Fox because Fox was his best friend--had managed to become his best friend. Only someone like Fox could have done it, and this deserved respect. No one else had the guts to barge into Bear's room, sweep his papers off the table and replace them with pizza. No one else could have weathered Bear's glare and waved the opened box under his nose. If Bear had remembered to eat that month, it would never have worked.

Fox was still reminding him to eat, and laughing as he did. "You wolf it down, but so gentile!"

It seemed to have a similar dramatic effect on Che, who couldn't get his head around the idea that you could not eat for months and then make it up all in one go. All the things they'd been through, and this seemed to disturb him the most.

"He hasn't even got a thing on his mouth, he hasn't got any crumbs!" he said, as though it were an affront against nature.

Bear gave him a look, biting a celery bunch off its end the way most people bit candy bars. He was a busy man, he didn't have time for chewing, for goodness' sake.

"Now if I can just get him to eat every day. And leave the building. And talk to people." Fox said, checking them off on his fingers, "What if I threaten to download fanfiction about you onto your computer?"

"You don't already?" said Bear.

Che turned to Kunai. "Do I want to know what they're talking about?"

"Um, no?"

"All right, noted."

Fox continued, "AU's been giving me messages."

"AU?" said Che, back to watching Bear with ancient herbivoric horror.

"Our Alma Mater. They want Professor Bear to give a talk," said Fox, laughing.

"I don't talk," said Bear.

"I know, I know, but it's funny. They ask me to ask you. Like they're afraid of you."

Bear didn't bother pointing out that a fair share of his teachers had always been afraid of him. He was the sort of student you either loved or loathed. Never satisfied with sitting back and listening to the answers, he was always rushing ahead to the next problem. Soon, he'd be answering those problems and had somehow wound up teaching the class.

Fox was the exact opposite. He sat there and absorbed everything, and when you asked him a question he somehow just had the answer. He could never remember where it came from, if it was something he'd been told or something he'd made up. He eventually said some of it he'd definitely made up; that was when Bear had started asking him questions. Fox reasoned that Bear would never ask something so common the answer was taught in class. Around that time they had an argument because Bear felt a solution without a process was not a solution. How could you prove it? Fox said you had to feel the shape of the answer, the way you'd recognize someone from the shape of their personality. There were too many variables for anyone--well, anyone besides Bear--to sit there and add and subtract and weigh them one at a time.

"My research is well-documented," said Bear, "They should ask you to talk."

"Why?" said Fox, "I talk to them all the time."

"I may be sick," said Che. His eyes had not left Bear, and he seemed to have missed the entire conversation.

"You'd better eat something," said Kunai, who was eating discreetly away from Che and his overly-sensitive nose, "We're going invader-punching later."

"You're what?" said Fox.

"I remember the days when I had no idea what the next planet would be like." said Che wistfully, "When men with odd swords and pirates tried to kill me. The days when I had control over my life."

The ships spun gently around the planet, only occasionally giving sign that they were of the menacing variety. They were taking the scientific approach. Perhaps, if they all unloaded everything unto one spot at once ... no? Perhaps if they attacked here and probed for weak spots on the other side as power was diverted ... no?

No hurry. The longer it took, the more showed up. The wealth of the multiverse's greatest planet would surely sate them all. And if not, they had blasters.

Ah, but here was something to entertain them meanwhile. A brilliant vessel, painted to attract the eye in several visual spectrums. Johnny Law.

The pirate smiled, revealing rows of what were less teeth than shredders. Of course, there was no point if the prey didn't see it ...

Classic pop filled the room.

"Hullo, evildoer."

"Hiya!"

The pirate's smile rearranged itself into a wince. The hairy alien things were waving cheerfully.

"What is that noise?" he growled.

"You've never heard it? It's a classic!" This one was neat and dapper and dangerous.

"Strange but true, oldies are the only traveling music." This one was scruffy, one leg over the arm of the chair and regarding the world as though it existed solely to entertain him. "Perhaps because I know all the words. Or at least some words, if not the words."

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure the lyrics aren't 'happy turtles waxleplax.'" He turned, revealing a shield on his chest.

"My lyrics are better."

The pirate growled. "I will swallow you whole and snort your bones out my nose."

They seemed to remember he was there. One of them started laughing.

"Sorry, sorry, I just," He fell into even more disarray. "It's been a while."

"We should get going," The copper clicked off the music and stood.

"Of course. Be there in a moment, Mr. Gingivitis. Hopefully with gas masks on."

Another friendly wave, and the screen went dark.

Che was young enough that he didn't grow up watching shoddy sci-fi flicks with a stunning lack of physics. He knew his head wouldn't explode in outer space, nor would he instantly freeze to death. Still, he was not happy that Kunai's method of boarding enemy ships was to take a deep breath and jump in the right direction.

"Bear's shields protect us, the ship'll catch us if we miss, and my badge'll get us through their shields, though don't ask me how that works."

Che nodded through all this. Then rapidly shook his head at the end of it.

"Don't be such a whiner." Kunai replied, hurling them both from the ship.

Che once again considered how much trouble it was being Kunai's friend, for such little gain. They landed without incident, however, the shields opening an oval for their passage.

"I think my heart may have stopped."

"Wuss."

The actual fighting was much more fun. He had forgotten how slow aliens were--it was like having superpowers. As the saying went, in the land of the blind the one-eyed man is named Vision Lad and fights crime. No, wait, that was supposed to be something about a bicycle.

In any case, it came right back to him. Eyes on all fronts, weapons slipped from their hands, Kunai ahead of him dancing in slow motion. Che often wanted to ask him if he'd ever taken ballet, but refrained because the answer might be "Of course, hasn't everyone?" which would take all the fun out of it.

"Do you get a lot of these?" Che asked once the din died down, on account of most of it lying prone on the floor.

"They come in bursts. These are the last of Antoine's, I think."

After that was the physical equivalent of paperwork. Che wrote home while Kunai did that manhandling thing he was so good at.

"How's your little brother?" said Kunai.

"Well. Obnoxious," said Che, getting his old wicked smile back for a moment, "My parents are eating their words. They thought a boy would be less trouble."

Kunai's eyebrows met under his shades. "Why?"

"Biology," Che waved a hand in a circle. "It used to be rare to survive childbirth. The boys stick around and raise the children and be responsible."

"Maybe you're a bad influence?"

"I certainly hope so." Che rolled his eyes heavenward. "But I doubt even I can take the credit in this case."

"Bear's got a kid, you know."

Che started, overbalanced and fell off his chair. It was probably too much to hope Kunai didn't see that. "He what? But that involves ... wait, I forgot what planet I'm on."

"Above," said Kunai helpfully, "Anyway, he's only sorta his kid. One of Bear's relatives wanted the best for their kid, so Bear let them use his DMA."

"DNA," Che corrected.

"Yeah, right. But he's still their kid, even though he's Bear's kid. The ones who parent are the parents, and Bear's just the, um, godfather or something."

"You'd think this would make the news."

"It's normal here." Kunai shrugged, tossing an invader off his shoulder and gently into a cell. "I think the kid might be related to the parents too, but I'm not sure how that works."

"Forget a thesis, I could write an Encyclopedia on this place," said Che.

"That's not true where you're from?" said Kunai, "If the mom always dies, then only the dad has to die for the kid to be an orphan."

"They're raised by the community," It was strange, having to explain. "Children are grouped and watched over by an adult, you just add another child. But they don't have parents. They raise themselves and each other."

"Huh." Kunai appeared to give it some thought, pausing in picking up a few groaning bodies. "I was like that. No parents, just teachers."

"It's a big issue back home."

Kunai dusted his hands. "I bet Arrivrealm would take them."

Che nearly fell out of his chair again. "You're suggesting we export orphans?"

"Why not? They'd be somebody's kids, here."

Che gave it some thought, even as he tried to dismiss it. The idea of exporting one planet's problems to another was ridiculous on its face, except that it was certainly going to happen, now. That was the whole point of the "multiversal economy" that was going to "change the world," and other phrases he'd had drilled into his head throughout college. It already had changed the world more than anyone would realize for years, he thought. It would still be changing the world for centuries, he knew, but he had thought in terms of technology, in terms of bringing things back to Aguedo, not sending them away.

"They'd die before their parents."

"Here?" Kunai shook his head. "New bodies, no breakie."

"I don't think they'd want to live that long."

Che gave it further thought. No one really cared too much about those kids or there wouldn't be a problem in the first place. If it were to be done, it'd pretty much have to be done by him.

"You know," said Che, "You're nothing but trouble."

Kunai beamed. "I learned from the best."

Much later, Che readied himself to head home, his senior thesis almost entirely done despite Kunai's best efforts to distract him.

"Bear wants you to keep the shield," said Kunai, "And you can invite me along when you go to more dangerous planets."

"They're all dangerous," said Che, "But I wouldn't mind the company. Most of the others are just in it out of greed."

"And you're not?"

"No," said Che, smiling, "I'm in it for all seven."

"Sloth?"

"Well, no. Not sloth."

"Envy?"

"No, I suppose not," said Che, "I'm not very envious."

"Lust?"

"Wanderlust." Che gave him a look, still smiling. "You just have to ruin all my good lines, don't you?"

Antoine's Inship was loaded up with sweets, far more than Che needed and just as much as would keep. It would get him home fast and just in time for term.

Che surveyed it with some trepidation. "I'm tempted to steal something just for an excuse to come back."

Kunai rolled his eyes. "You don't have to steal anything."

"Never stopped me before."

Kunai waved him off, listened to the engines rev, watched the ship shrink to nothing. Bear had made the universe much smaller, but that just made Kunai aware of how big it was. For most of his life, the sky was untouchable. Now, he knew someone spinning 'round that star.

Che had improved. The social dictums which were concrete walls to some and velvet ropes to others were still just lines on the ground to him, but he now treaded carefully within those lines since people made such a fuss if he didn't. Still, you got the impression that the moment you weren't around he would run gleefully right over them again.

It might not be such a bad thing.